I mentioned briefly in one of my posts that I was on a “healing journey” which by the way I hate saying that because it sounds so pretentious but nonetheless I am. I don’t talk about it much, I kind of think existing means hurting and healing over and over again constantly but I was fortunate to get to a place where I was able to just focus on healing.
I think if anyone’s going to start working on themselves, they need to start from the beginning. One of my passions is psychology but more focused towards children and how people become the way they are. From that one of the things that I’ve learned is that the first five years of life is developmentally the most important. Most people don’t tend to remember what happened to them between infancy and kindergarten, so I asked my mom what happened and then I tried to remember the first time I was hurt by someone. I went through every time I remembered an adult hurting me and I wrote it and down and faced it. I think that’s hard to do too. I think that revisiting every time someone traumatized you is important but wanting and understanding how to let it go and not let it hurt you anymore is more important. It hurts though; I cried my eyes out for my inner child when I faced it.
Part of the reason why healing is so hard (in my opinion) is because you have to want to heal. You have to want better for yourself and when it’s been years and years of trauma and pain that drive for better is nearly impossible. Because you’re used to being hurt, you know how to live with it, it’s comfortable and revisiting is hard, and it hurts and who wants to reopen an old wound. But my goal has always been happiness, and I figured that I had to start from the beginning. It worked, I mean the amount of healing I’ve done from childhood trauma was immeasurable and I would suggest that to anyone.
Obviously now I am an adult and recently I’ve been going through a lot. Long story short I made the decision to move back to Canada. Before I made the choice, I asked myself what happens when you’re an adult and you’ve done all the things to heal your inner child but now, you’re going through something else that’s hurting you? Then what? I can’t deal with it like I have everything else I just have to get through it. It’s still shitty, I don’t want to have to deal with the aftermath of something like this, but I don’t have a choice. I have to and I guess that just goes back to what I was saying that life is hurting and healing again.
I know this wasn’t necessarily about finding happiness but if you’re able to find a time when you’re in a good enough place to heal from childhood trauma I wish you all the luck because it sucks but it’s worth it. I can’t sit here and tell you that I’m completely healed. But I feel as good as I can about what happened, and I think that’s probably the best outcome I could have hoped for.
Ps. I can’t credit all of this work on my own, I got this self-help book for Christmas one year and ran with it. Here’s the link, it helped a lot. I couldn’t find it on amazon, but this is the book.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59479866-shadow-work-journal-and-workbook
Lots of love, June.
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