Addiction

So a while ago, my sister mentioned to me that she thought I was drinking a bit too much. We made a joke said that it was for the aesthetic, you know, Lana Del Ray, Tove Lo, Kesha. The messy pretty drunk party girl. A part of me still feels like that’s the aesthetic to go by but I know that by principle it’s not.

When I went on that cruise, my friend said that she would stop being my friend if I continued on this path. I brushed it off at the time, we aren’t that close anymore, but I should have looked at my actions anyway.

I think there were other conversations that I had too where the people close to me were worried that I was dong too much but I don’t know I just didn’t take it that seriously. It wasn’t until I looked at pictures of myself from months ago and I remembered something that I knew I had a problem. A couple months ago I felt like I couldn’t function without a drink. I felt like I was gong to hate myself and everyone around me and just be simply miserable, which if you know that’s something I cannot handle. So I bought the drink and then it continued. Coming back to now, I still felt that way. I never not had a drink available to me, it was a constant need and something that I couldn’t live without. I also smoke weed, so add that constant in my life with my new attachment to alcohol for months I was drinking and getting high in the same night. That was my favorite state, to have them both at the same time. I became a fan and I didn’t see a problem with that.

Until now, last week I decided that I was going to quit so I did. I quit alcohol and smoking on Friday and it’s Monday night and I am struggling. I wish that I could sit here and tell you that It’s been easy, I haven’t struggled with it, that putting it down was the easiest thing I did but it isn’t. I’ve struggled every day since and I think that I will continue to struggle as hard as that is to accept.

I’ve had amazing support, my friends, my mom has been here for me but it is still hard to manage. Then someone said something and I remembered, I’m the girl that has strength tattooed on me, I am fully capable of getting through this. Will it be hard? Yes, will I have my days that I want to pick up a joint and a drink? Yes. But do I think that the type of strength I have allows me to get through this? Absolutely.

I know I can do this but wish me luck on sobriety. God knows I don’t need the drink or the high to be okay.

Lots of love, June.